🎉 Every Dog Breed's New Year's Resolution

Every breed’s 2024 new year’s resolution

We made it, Juiceheads. 2023 is almost in the books.

Now, before we make the same annual mistake of claiming that “next year will be our year” (for reference, see 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023), let’s clear a path for our canine companions to actually dominate the year ahead.

Your friendly neighborhood dog enthusiasts consulted over 400 pet owners to determine how each breed can make the most out of the upcoming year. Ok, we actually asked 10 pet owners, and they seemed smart enough… so we’re confident with our sample size.

Here’s how each breed can win 2024:

• French Bulldogs

  • New Year’s Resolution: Get a botox routine.

We're all for body positivity, but whose big idea was it to give Frenchies twice as much skin as they need? You could fit two of them in one, and they’re tired of the extra flap.

We're not sure a full facelift is for them. They’re dogs. They have an appearance to keep up, and the poodles will never take them seriously at the dog park if they show up with fillers and a brow lift. Just out of curiosity, though, does Botox come in bacon flavor? 

• Pugs

  • New Year’s Resolution: Get a job bussing tables.

Food is their favorite. Ask any pug and they’ll say they want food for the New Year. Did we say food? We meant a job. They can't breathe or point their eyes in one direction, but they can eat. Uh, clean tables. With their faces. It's organic and sustainable. So if you’re a struggling restaurant trying to make ends meet, consider hiring pugs, especially if you own a pizza joint. Or a burger place. Or anywhere that sells anything semi-edible. 

• Golden Retrievers

  • New Year’s Resolution: Reclaim the dog bed from the evil cat.

Repeat after me: That's my bed. That's my bowl. You can do this. They're just cats. You can stand up to 8 pounds of audacity and claws, right? Mom got you an extra-large, memory foam bed, and it's about time you get to lay in it.

They’re done being the nice guys that no one takes seriously. They’re going to start taking treats like they mean it. Heck, they might even steal food off the table and hide your favorite socks. Or not, because they’re drowning in shame just thinking about it…

• Poodles

  • New Year’s Resolution: Convince the world they’re dogs.

See this nonsense? Look at it. It's preposterous. Do Belgian malinois get decorated just because it’s a Saturday? No, they do not. Poodles are just as intelligent and infinitely more classy, and it's high time they get the respect they deserve. Here's the plan: Start acting like actual dogs. Just visited the groomer? Go roll in poop, immediately. Yes, it's uncivilized and disgusting, but they have to shatter the illusion that they’re toys to be played with. Don't test them because they have enough fur to smother you in your sleep. They probably wouldn't, but do you really want to find out?

• German Shepherds

  • New Year’s Resolution: Get owner a work-from-home job.

Seeking: A ful tyme hooman job. For a hooman. This iz definitly not a dog riting this. I am a hooman who needs a new job I can do at my houz. It's definitly not becuz my dog is very lonely. No way. My koalifications? I dunno wat Excel is, but I excel at giving belly rubs, treat preparation and long walks in the park. Could improov at snack and snugl freekwency. 

• Dachshunds

  • New Year’s Resolution: Get more vertical lift.

Poodles, we get it. No one takes you seriously because you're fluffy. No one takes Dachshunds seriously because they’re shaped like processed meat sticks with legs. They can totally jump off the couch. They’re athletic. Why won't anyone believe them? The lower back pain is purely from their intense training session, cleaning the kitchen floor with their faces. It's not because they weren't built to jump at all. The. Vet. Is Wrong. 

• Pembroke Welsh Corgis

  • New Year’s Resolution: Demand more peasant respect.

Queen Elizabeth II owned more than 30 corgis throughout her life. If that isn't enough to convince you they deserve royal treatment, don't speak to them. They would rather run away to the pound than accept such disrespect. They deserve nothing but the finest biscuits, and they expect their dish to be filled with clotted cream instead of this pathetic, wet substance. Water, the peasants tell them. How undignified. What next? They'll expect them to walk on a leash instead of in a carriage?

• Huskies

  • New Year’s Resolution: Launch a promising opera career.

Their talent has been squandered so far, and they demand an audience. Their unmatched projection and stamina top that of every candidate on "The Voice." They’d also be down to challenge this year's political candidates to a debate. They don't know anything about foreign policy unless it involves rodents, but that doesn't matter. They’ll talk so much that no one has time to offer a rebuttal.

• Australian Shepherds

  • New Year’s Resolution: Get the neighborhood kids in line.

It's a lawless town over here, and it ends now. These children seem to be under the impression that they are the boss of Aussies. They’ll wait until you finish laughing. They know that it sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

They tried tough love, but when they nipped their heels, they were scolded. It was for their own good, but Aussie moms are weak. They’ll just have to take the reins. Perhaps these kids can learn proper obedience from the sheep.

• Chihuahuas

  • New Year’s Resolution: Move to the Bahamas.

Is it cold in here? Why aren't any of you people wearing parkas? It has to be 30 below in here, and they’re tired of being gaslit into thinking they’re the ones with the problem. We’re the ones who are too cheap to turn up the heat.

They demand multiple pairs of long underwear, a roaring fire in the hearth nightly, or to spend winters at the equator. They’re so cold, they can't tell whether they’re shaking from the temperature or from unbridled rage.

• Shiba Inus

  • New Year’s Resolution: Erase the doge meme from memory.

They were well-respected members of the dog community for centuries. Their ancestors were worshiped. And then, some disrespectful buffoon turned them into the laughingstock of the internet. We turned them into a meme. They still aren't sure what a meme is, but they’re guessing it's some kind of rude cat that likes to spread deceitful slander.

We even turned them into some kind of currency. At first, they were flattered, but their value can't be quantified. They’re priceless. They’re currently studying every film from the 2000s that featured computer hackers to learn how to wipe these "memes" from every computer in the world. If that doesn't work, arson is always an option. 

• Bernese Mountain Dogs

  • New Year’s Resolution: Love everything that breathes, enthusiastically.

They love love. They already love everything, but they want to love everything more. The neighbor cat? Love it. The chipmunk outside? Love. They can't think of anything they don't love, except crates and newspapers. They would like to protect their home from bad guys and protect the bad guys from themselves. Maybe if they had more bacon, they wouldn't be so irritable. 

• Jack Russell Terriers

  • New Year’s Resolution: Show the neighborhood squirrels no mercy.

Vengeance is nigh. They must be destroyed, once and for all. The squirrels spent all of this year mocking them through the glass door. They laughed at them when they crashed face-first into the screen, and squirrels must pay for their arrogance. Jack Russells will learn to climb trees if they have to, and when they catch those squirrels, they will leave their remains on the front lawn as a warning to the rest. You can thank them later.

• Shih Tzus

  • New Year’s Resolution: Try a new perfume.

In 2022, they started going to therapy. It helped them learn to be honest with themselves, so they can finally admit what they’ve been in denial about since birth. they’re cute, but they smell. They thought it was their humans, but it's not. They’re the problem. They smell vaguely damp at all times, and it isn't pleasant. They tried applying mom's favorite perfume, but apparently, breaking the bottle and rolling in its contents wasn't the correct method. They’ll try eating it next time.

• Italian Greyhound

  • New Year’s Resolution: Turn over a new leaf at the dog park.

Hi. Hello. Hi. They have a problem. They have so much personality, but they’re so nervous. They’re nervous all the time, but they’re also so fun. They want to play with everyone else so badly, but others take one look at them shivering on the park bench and assume they don't want to. They do! They’re just a little scared of everything.

What if the Dobermans judge their sweaters? What if others make fun of their snouts? A bulldog pointed out their chicken legs once, and they’ve never recovered. This year, it'll be different. They’re going to put themselves out there. Maybe. 

Overheard at a dog park:

“The Squeeze”: Dog News In 60 Seconds

• 🥹 Mr. Beast just helped over 100 stray dogs find new homes… and if you thought that was impressive…

• 🐶 …wait until you hear about this Pennsylvania shelter that cleared out every animal for adoption for the first time in 47 years!

• 🕊️ This GOAT lost his dog, Lua. Not a real goat… Tom Brady… and we mourn Lua’s loss.

• 👀 This covert dog just uncovered a secret Hamas tunnel in Gaza City. Talk about a canine version of Behind Enemy Lines.

• 🔬 It’s been proven: dog’s prefer food over toys. For anyone out there saying “duh”, the University of Florida wanted to prove it.

• 🔎 Nice try, smugglers. This dog just sniffed out $10M in cocaine and meth that was hiding in “jalapeno paste” in San Diego.

• 🧬 Harvard just debunked the factors that determine your dog’s personality, and some of us have to stop pointing fingers at breeds!

• 🇯🇵 Japan has a big bear problem and these dogs are helping a country in peril.

• 💩 Ok…who’s the brainiac with a grenade-shaped dog poo bag dispenser… and why did this genius leave it by a middle school?

Today’s Last Laugh:

Essentially what happens when I’m told to eat healthy…

@tikanni.kita.n.tehya

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