🍃💨 High Times For Low Riders

In Today’s Email:

• “Joint” Pain: The price of puffing pot at the park.

• Furball Fatalities: Debunking Covid-19’s canine origin theory.

• John Wick’s dogs kick serious ass.

• “The Squeeze” AKA The Internet’s Best Dog News in 60 seconds.

• The Last Laugh: What we’re laughing with. Not at.

High Times at the Vet: Cannabis-related Visits Spike 📈

If high school taught us anything, it’s that the Pythagorean theorem is never used in real life and that the dutchie is always passed to the left hand side…not tossed in the grass. In the past six years, there has been a more than 400% increase in calls related to marijuana poisoning to the Pet Poison Helpline, a 24-hour animal poison control center — with most reported in New York and California. Last year, the A.S.P.C.A.'s Animal Poison Control hotline fielded nearly 7,000 calls for marijuana toxicity, an 11 percent increase from the previous year.

The likeliest reason: eating a ditched roach (🚬) off the ground at the park.

• Did your dog consume cannabis? Know when to worry and when not to.

The weather is warmer, so it’s safe to assume the National Association of Stoners will be fleeing hibernation stations in droves only to enjoy an outdoor toke.

Pair rising temperatures with more states joining in on legal, recreational fun and you have a double whammy contributing to an increase in ditched roaches nationwide. 📈

Specific breeds aren’t identified as being more or less likely to find your ditched joint, but we’re willing to bet the house that Frenchies, dachshunds, and other “low riders” whose snouts have a closer proximity to the ground might be particularly interested in a skunky delectable.

So how do we solve this problem? Maybe…don’t litter? Smoke responsibly by being considerate of any creature that might feel inclined to gobble up garbage off the ground.

The best way to enjoy cannabis with your furry best friend? CBD. This non-psychoactive ingredient within the cannabis plant can alleviate joint pain and ease anxiety without exposing them to the toxic effects of THC (the psychoactive ingredient we know and love). Break off a CBD chew for your pet if you want to max chill with your pooch.

Otherwise, stick to hotboxing your car. It gets you higher and keeps pets safe, Cheech.

• We’d be okay with ditching these at the park instead.

• A vet in New Zealand posted a compilation of pets waking up from anesthesia and it’s the “stoned” we’re here for.

Overheard at Starbucks

“My dog sighs a lot for somebody who doesn’t contribute to the house or know what a government is”

- Riley, 28, Jefferson City, MO

Are “Raccoon Dogs” the Source of Covid-19?

Toilet paper shortages are so three years ago, but that isn’t stopping French Virologists from getting to the bottom of why we were assaulting each other in grocery stores. According to the World Health Organization, genetic sequencing data showed that some of the samples taken at the Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market, which were known to be positive for the coronavirus, also contained genetic material from raccoon dogs, indicating the animals may have been infected by the virus.

“There’s a good chance that the animals that deposited that DNA also deposited the virus,” said Stephen Goldstein, a virologist at the University of Utah who was involved in analyzing the data. “If you were to go and do environmental sampling in the aftermath of a zoonotic spillover event, this is basically exactly what you would expect to find.”

We did our own research and concluded that they’re the cutest f**king things we’ve ever seen.

Pandemic pioneers? Forgiven.

If they opened a galactic black hole, we’d turn a blind eye.

Just look at them. They’re uncancelable.

Fun fact: raccoon dogs are known as “tanuki” in Japanese. In mythical settings, raccoon dogs are shape-shifters that can bring good financial luck…

…they literally shape-shifted into the antithesis of that, but okay. 🤷

Outside of Mystique (fellow X-Men nerds unite), the shape-shifter roster isn’t very deep, so the only logical explanation is that raccoon dogs also have mutated DNA that we all contracted.

Ipso facto, we’re all X-Men. Super power: loss of taste. Go figure.

• Want a raccoon dog as a pet? Here’s what you need to know.

• Thinking about stopping by the Haunan Seafood Wholesale Market on your next leisurely stroll through Wuhan? Read their Google reviews

Psst, It’s this meme’s 10 year anniversary…

…admit it. You’ve shared it before.

Paws of Fury: John Wick 4 Continues its Canine Arch 🎥

Action junkies have been trying to loosen the vice grip that John Wick has had on their testosterone levels for the better part of a decade, and the fourth installment won’t loosen the clamp.

They continue to do two things very well:

1. Keep Keanu Reeves’ dialogue to 380 words in just under 3 hours. *phew*

2. Championing dogs as vigilant, four-legged, heat-seeking missiles.

The film pushes movie lovers to debate its rank on action’s all-time list (these gingers are giving this every reason to sit at #2 below Mad Max: Fury Road), and you’re sure to get every dog highlight short of pissing in a bullet hole (nevermind, you get that too).

But we aren’t movie reviewers. We’re dog snobs that want in on John Wick 5 (unconfirmed) because who wouldn’t pay box office prices for corgi assassins?

We needed to know more about becoming a canine action star. Here’s what we squeezed:

1. Each dog has 4 stand-ins/stunt doubles for 1 hour rotations

2. Canine stunt training can last 5 months on set

3. Required foundational commands mastered:

   1. Mark

   2. Stay

   3. Go with

   4. Sit/Down

   5. Head up/down

   6. Watch it - the ability to stay focused on a single item

My corgi knows 4/6 which is good for a D or my calculus report card sophomore year.

We’ll leave it to the pros, but if you can’t continue life now without seeing your dog’s name on the Hollywood walk of fame, here you go overachievers.

Annnnnnnd scene. 📸

“The Squeeze” aka Dog News in 60 Seconds

• 👩‍⚖️ Divorce courts are swimming in canine custody battles. With 27% of attorneys seeing an increase in debating where Fido spends his time, it’s safe to say divvying airline miles and streaming services is old news.

• ✏️ In a creative rut? Here are 150 of 2023’s best Instagram captions for your next, viral post, you petfluencer you.

• 😂 A 4,000 year old tablet has the world’s first ever “bar joke” etched into it. Archaeologists deduced that the dead language of Sumerian reads “A dog walks into a bar and says, ‘I cannot see a thing. I’ll open this one.’” Badum tss.

• 🤮 Think you have the ugliest dog in America? Submit your unfortunate, fugly trainwreck to California’s annual competition in June. Brown paper bags not included.

• 🥜 Ditch the Benadryl. New studies are finding that infants with pets are less likely to develop food allergies. Living with pets alters babies’ microbiomes in a way that protects them from food sensitivities.

• 🏋️ A fitness influencer is going viral for eating dog food to increase his protein intake. We’re not judging 👀… anything for the gains, bro.

• 🍦 Attention Milwaukee: you now have an ice cream shop serving canine-cordial ice cream. Want more? It’s called Salty Paws. Want even more? They have cheese, bacon, and pumpkin watermelon flavors. 🤤

• 😰 Want to feel vulnerable? Who doesn’t! Here are the 10 worst guard dog breeds (#1 may surprise you).

• 🐶 Rabbit Hash, Kentucky has only had canine mayors since the late 1990s. Their newest leader: Wilbur, a 6-month old French Bulldog. We’re glad the people of Rabbit Hash can put their local legislation in the hands of a puppy. Crate training is overrated.

Today’s Last Laugh: